Apple unveils new market plans...

While Apple recently released its suave, sophisticated, and all-encompassing iPhone, CEO Steve Jobs announced that he has more novelty products that make life simpler and less convoluted on the back burner. Mr. Jobs always says that his inspiration for such ingenious and innovative products that make life easier come from his astute observations of the the world he lives in and his lifestyle and how they can be improved. Thus, a new line of two-in-one, life-simplifying products will be on the market soon. Included in that list is iBrush, the only mechanical toothbrush that allows you to upload mp3s to your toothbrush so you can jam out while you practice good hygiene. "Sometimes I don't brush my teeth at night because it's so boring," claimed Mr. Jobs, "but when I can listen to my favorite Beatles album or other artists that no longer get any airplay or have relevance in the world today, it inspires me to get up off my ass and brush my teeth like their's no tomorrow!" iBrush will be able to hold up to 3 songs, or 10 MB worth of music.

In addition, Apple will be unveiling iToaster, the only toaster that allows its user to listen to music while heating up a nutritious whole grain snack. "I used to put whole wheat bread or bagels in the toaster and forget about them because my mind would wander during the toasting monotony," recalled Jobs. "That's when I realized, 'hey, if I had music to listen to, I probably wouldn't wander off and get lost in the woods behind my house.'" Clearly, the inspiration behind such a device is pure genius. The iToaster has a battery life of 10 hours when toast isn't being toasted, but when in action, due to it not having a cord to plug into an outlet, the battery life while playing music and toasting is reduced to 15 minutes. After all, it takes a lot of energy to toast bread.

A further innovation is the new iMailbox. This is no ordinary mailbox, but serves as a mood-setter similar to background music in reality TV shows. "I always dreaded checking the mail. You never know what bill might arrive or bad rating in Consumer Reports," Mr. Jobs admitted. "It wasn't so much that it was terrifying, but something was missing. Maybe it's the hopeless romantic in me, but I wanted some sort of ominous music to complete the experience." The iMailbox comes with myriads of such ominous songs, including the default, Mozart's "O Fortuna." Now customers who frantically open their mail right outside their mailbox can do so with the proper setting fitting for a poor soap opera on ABC.

Finally, the magnum opus of Apple's new line, which has now expanded way beyond computer hardware and software, is the prodigious iToilet. This breakthrough device, which must be installed in your home or office by a certified Apple technician, comes with up to 300 GB of space to store discography upon discography of your favorite artists. Its sleek metallic coating of the ceramic frame and the translucent plastic basin are sure to impress anyone privileged enough to use the bathroom in which its installed. "I spend a lot of time on the toilet," Mr. Jobs nonchalantly declared about his inspiration for the iToilet. "Usually I just zone out when the output becomes unbearable, which it usually does with my low-fiber diet. I thought it would be nice for something to keep my thoughts occupied so I wasn't so constrained by the force attempting to exit my body." For additional comfort, the seat of the iToilet has a malleable silicon cushion applied to its base to maximize the tranquility that the device was designed to promote.

Steve Jobs claimed that these innovations will not be the last of their kind, but only the beginning of a new, nothing-is-sacred Apple empire.

A Distinct Difference

The perfect midnight snack? Debatable, but who cares. Tonight I picked chips and pico de gallo salsa. What a great combination, if that was what I bargained for. You see, on the label of my tortilla chips it says in big, irradiated letters "Hint of Lime." This is false advertising. Unsuspecting, I skillfully tore open the bag, grabbed a chip, walloped it with an unhealthy amount of salsa, and took a bite. These chips were not flavored with a "hint of lime." No, the manufacturer seemed to mislabel the chips, as they were obviously eXtremely InTenSe LiMe FlaVor!!11OnE. Now when I say intense, I mean if I could extract the lime essence from this one chip, I would have enough lime to go around for six Coronas. Having had my six Coronas, theoretically, I would then be too drunk to care how miserably tangy the chips are, and would actually be able to eat the whole bag... and the bag itself.

An acceptable list of habits that can be conducted while operating a motor vehicle

America is a nation of freedom and opportunity–a nation where ingenuity and dissent is not only embraced but rewarded. For instance, we are the only country in the world that doesn't utilize the utterly simplistic metric system, but instead maintains an alternative system of measurement invented by the British... and they don't even use it anymore. We also invented the atomic bomb, Disney World, and fried chicken. With that foundation having been laid out, there definately are some limits–unfortunately not etched in stone–but that nonetheless need to be heeded.

One of these limits is the range of acceptable activity one can engage in while oporating a motor vehicle. Keep in mind that this list is only the standard of America and has no application in Europe, where children pee in the streets. I have seen some ridiculously pompous and flagrant behavior while stopped at a red light, glancing at the driver next to me. These sitings culminated earlier today and prompted me to write this when I saw, to my grave discust, a woman tweezing the hairs on her collarbone and chin while driving. Excuse me? How many things are wrong with this picture? First of all, she's a woman, therefore she should not have facial hair. Gross. Second, if you're going to do any kind of hair removal, be it tweezing or shaving, be you man or woman, do it in the privacy of your own home and not in broad daylight. No, nobody else may be with you in the car, but I CAN STILL SEE YOU BITCH!!! Being on the road is still considered a social function. You wouldn't pick your nose in public would you? I'll get to that later. Third, she had hair on her collarbone, leading me to believe her to be of some Mediterranian descent–most likely Greek. Which brings me to my next point: women shouldn't be driving in the first place. I've only met one woman in my life who is a descent driver, and I attribute that and her constant alertness to the sheer variety of narcotics she putting into her body. I rest my case.

Now let's take a look at certain behaviors that drivers might engage in while behind the wheel and evaluate if they are acceptable or not.

1. Picking your nose

As touched on earlier, this is not one of those things you want to do in public. Being in a motor vehicle on a road is considered public. So unless you are firmly parked in a garage with no one else with, please don't be a prick and insert a grimey, sweaty finger into your nasal cavity for any reason. The only reason a finger should ever touch your nose is a) to put on glasses; b) to scratch an itch; and c) to wipe sweat or other residue off your humungous snouzer. Be kind, don't stick your finger in grime.

2. Applying make-up

This is one of those things that should be done at home; but if you overslept, find yourself in a rush, or enjoy the chance of stabbing yourself in the eyes while applying eyeliner due to a sudden stop, then by all means, this behavior is acceptable.

3. Eating

Consuming food or beverages as a driver can always be tricky. Too avoid calamity and being labeled for the rest of your life as that retarded cunt who won millions of dollars from McDonald's for not heeding the *HOT* sign on the top and side the coffee she ordered and then proceeding to spill it on herself, achieving 2nd degree burns, here are sime tips: For beverages, avoid anything hot or with a loose cover or panelling. That means anything that if you were to abruptly squeeze, resulting in a scorching/sticky liquid applying itself comfortably to your blouse or $600 Versace suit, i.e. anything in a styrofoam. For the least hazardous result, try a water bottle or anything with a plastic base.

As far as food is concerned, there are some things that should not be eaten on the road. One time I saw a guy eating ribs while driving. Yes, I said ribs. What kind of scampy pig does that? Not only do ribs require two hands to eat, but they are usuaully coated in some sort of sauce, making them extremely messy. There is a reason you are given a bib and wetwipes when you order them at a restaurant, asshole. Basically, one should try and avoid any food with any coating that might rub/melt off. It's also probably a good idea to avoid anything that requires both hands to eat or that requires a fork and knife. That just might hinder your driving ability. Just a little bit. Crackers and other crumbly delectable are left up to the driver's discretion, depending on how sloppy he wants his car to look and if he plans on cleaning it soon. I used the word "he" intentionally, because women shouldn't be driving anyway, obviously, let alone eating. There are enough women on this planet with the potential to look descent but who will never reach that plateau due their obesity. Sad, I know.

4. Cell Phones

While some states have laws prohibiting hand-held cell phone use in the car, this is stupid for several reasons. First off, it only takes one hand to drive a car. Sure it may be easier having those hands-free head sets to talk to people, but let's face it, it only takes one hand. Anyone who gets into an accident while talking on the phone does so because that person is distracted and not because he doesn't have enough hands to operate his car. So just outlaw cell phones? Anyone who gets distracted enough to not pay attention to the road while talking on his phone will probably zone out anyway and the incur the same results. Now to my second point, guys don't talk on the phone. We make appointments and network, but we don't discuss things. That means that most if not all of cell phone-induced car accidents are caused by women, and they shoudn't be driving in the first place, once again. If there were no female drivers there would be fewer accidents and fewer instances of cell phones being a catalyst to car accidents. That way the only cause of death behind the wheel will be falling asleep and excessive inebriation. Hey, shit happens.

5. Road head

Receiving fellatio while operating a motor vehicle is the advanced course of the art. You can't just lay back, close your eyes, and wallow in the subservient glory of having your shaft polished. That is, unless that's the way you want to die. No sir, you must be focused enough to be aware of the environment around you while taking a passive pleasure in the activity conspiring beneath your belt. While it won't get you off faster, it's the only safe way to do it. For best results, try off-roading. The uneven terrain might give it that extra edge. Now is it socially acceptable? This is debatable, but I vote yes. Would I shy away if I was driving and happened to perceive such a lewd act in the car next to me? Not before giving kudos to the patron in the form of a headnod or thumbs up. Give respect when respect is due. Brother, I salute your bravado!